Thursday, December 19, 2013

Down in Front: Movie Night with P.K. Gallagher

So I went to the doctor a while ago, and she told me my blood pressure was abnormally high for someone of my age and suggested that stress was the cause. She told me that I should react a bit more and take some time off from work.

But she’s just a doctor; what does she know. I have novels to deliver to you guys! Regardless, I would hate to have a heart attack or something, so I’ve decided that perhaps a compromise is in order—I should find an activity to do that is both relaxing yet still yields something I can pass on that my readers might enjoy. This is what I came up with: a movie night with P.K. Gallagher!

I’ve always liked the idea of writing movie reviews. That said, I’m too lazy for that, so I’ve come up with something a little different. I’m one of those movie-goers who shares my strongly opinionated commentary with the screen, to the delight to my comrades and the annoyance to everyone else. So, in lieu of reviewing movies, I’m going to share that unfiltered commentary in a digested format. It’s not as cohesive as a review, but it has its own charm and will just as easily tell you my verdict. Aside from today, this will be a Friday-night thing, and at the end of each DiF post, I’ll name next week’s movie (in this case, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters) which will viewed at 8pm sharp. I will update the post real-time, so you all can watch it with me and share your own thoughts in the comments section, or you can read the entire thing while watching later. I’m also open to movie suggestions.

All that out of the way, today’s movie was The Mortal Instrument’s: City of Bones, which is based off of the novel by Cassandra Clare about a girl who discovers after her mom has been kidnapped that they both belong to a race of half-angel, half-human demon hunters.

Leggo! Thinly veiled spoilers ahead!

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2:46 Oh my god, legit question: is that Cersei from Game of Thrones? She sure loves her books turned movies/TV shows.

6:25 Why is everyone in this club wearing so much eyeliner?

7:20 Am I the only one who finds Jace’s forehead really distracting?

11:00 Also the fact that he’s acting like a total creeper.

11:24 Well that escalated quickly.

16:01 EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW! That is repulsive D:

23:06 At the risk of sounding like a huge nerd, that was a Ghostbusters reference. But in Ghostbusters, the gatekeeper and keymaster had to have sex. I think we just discovered validation for all those Jimon fanfictions…

24:38 Did Clary really just let Jace order Simon to stand in the rain? This movie should just be called The Desolation of Simon.

26:34 With a mini-episode of Random Guy Humps Luke’s Leg? I am so uncomfortable right now.

31:38 Is Jace’s hair always wet? Or does he just need to wash it?

33:22 Wait, Alec and Isabelle grew up in Brooklyn. There is no excuse for their British accents.

37:31 Wow, talk about exposition. This is everything you learn about Valentine in books 1, 2, and 3 all condensed into a five minute span…

39:17 The Silent Brothers look like castrated dementors OAO

46:48 Ooh, yay, I love Magnus!

46:48:30 Wait, where are his pants?

46:48:45 Wait, where’s all his glitter?!

53:29 Why is this Du Mort scene so different? Was there even a need for all these changes? Though I’ll admit, I’m totally okay with seeing Simon without his shirt on.

01:06:27 This hand thing is really creepy, I don’t care what the romantic string instruments in the background are saying.

01:10:04 Whoa… This is not a YA kiss… O.O

01:10:08 Really, sprinkler system? Really? >.>

01:11:39 Wow, on a scale of like 1 to 10, I give a 3 about Jace and Clary’s relationship right now. Jace is so prone to assholery, and I can’t forgive him because he looks like an alien, his eyes aren’t even golden like they’re supposed to be, and Simon is such a sweetheart! D;

01:21:29 This battle was much cooler in the book…

01:24:53 WHY THE HELL DOES VALENTINE HAVE DREADLOCKS?!?!?! And isn’t he supposed to be blond?

01:31:53 Wow, way for Hodge to disarm one of the biggest twists in the book… >.>

01:40:30 Did any of this happen in the book?

01:44:35 Wait, why don’t they just kill the demons now instead of sneaking by so the demons can attack them from behind later?

01:56:09 Shouldn’t he be floating in limbo? How did he just do that?

1:56:25 How did she just do that? They just don’t make portals the way they used to…

2:03:-00 This was dumb…